Getting over Christmas
Many people struggle with Christmas and, as a therapist, I see this directly.
As I write, stormy winds rip through the land, engulfing the trees and battering the houses, whilst thick drops of relentless rain cast a dark shade of grey over the sky. All is dark. It’s early January and the garish baubles of Christmas seem a lifetime ago.
As discarded Christmas trees begin to litter the streets, lives that were cut down to be adorned and worshipped for so brief a moment, the plastic fakery of Christmas feels evident.
However, I am not here to write about why we celebrate Christmas, or even why we shouldn’t. Most people just get on with it, uncomfortable with the tradition but feeling obligated. It’s more to this I wish to speak and, in particular, the core obligation that we all seem to feel: spending time with our extended family.
This seems to be the elephant in the room, the heart of the struggles behind the Christmas blues. If this feels relevant to you or people you know then please read on..
Root of the problem
Many people don’t have good relationships with their family or, at best, it’s complicated. Yet this time of year brings societal obligations to spend time with these people, regardless of the dynamic, with people who could be unhealthy, damaging or abusive. Where giving presents and having a good time feels forced.
If we don’t, if we choose to stay home alone, we can feel isolated whilst the world seemingly sings happy songs amongst cheery families. Yet this is a ruse.
According to the charity Relate, more than half of people surveyed report arguments between family members over the festive season. The reasons they cite include money worries, expectations to provide extravagant presents and wonderful food, pressure to socialise and be falsely happy, generational differences…
Christmas is sold to us as a time when we should look back at the previous year, gather our abundance and gift it, feeling gratitude for all we have achieved.
Yet for many people, there is no abundance to feel grateful for. Many have been working extra hours just to afford the basics and even that can be unattainable. In the UK the cost-of-living crisis is spiralling out of control.
However, the heart of the problems at Christmas is family trauma. This blights many of us yet is not spoken about enough. Why do we spend time with people who could be toxic over the coldest and darkest time of year?
The commonly used words “generational differences” stick a plaster over the different problems that may occur within a family. Indeed, it even excuses and enables them to persist. These differences refer to the gulf that can be apparent around prejudicial views and unacceptable behaviour tolerated between family members of different generations .
Much has thankfully changed in society over the past 80 years.
When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s it was common for TV programmes to be overtly racist, sexist, homophobic and disablist. There was even a nasty undercurrent of accepting child abuse – no one in my generation was surprised about Jimmy Saville. It was there all around us.
Not that everyone went along with it, but it took time for things to change. Fortunately, these prejudices and sanctions for abuse were successfully challenged and the world is, in some respects, a better place. However, many of our older relatives may still see the world through a patriarchal and colonial lens, which can be very challenging and painful.
In the past, people were taught to keep a stiff upper lip when they felt upset (before we cry or scream, our lips often tremble), keep their emotions inside, to put up with their fate: uncomplaining.
Domestic violence was socially acceptable right up until modern times. It wasn’t illegal to rape a child until 1956 (under the Sexual Offences Act) and domestic violence wasn’t recognised as a problem in UK law until 1976 (with the Domestic Violence Act). For many years following legislation however, many people, including police, didn’t take these issues seriously.
Today our justice system remains significantly poor in relation to domestic and sexual abuse. It takes a long time to change hearts and minds.
Unfortunately for many of our older relatives, embarking on a personal healing journey wasn’t something that was socially acceptable or even accessible when they were younger. They may have had a difficult time of it therefore, being unable to receive help, and some may struggle to understand those of us that are focused on a healing path, calling us soft. The implication is that being hardened to life is preferable, which is sobering to consider.
Society is changing, but it is slow.
Whilst some families may enjoy positive relationships, even with their extended families, for many this isn’t the case. Maybe there is just one or two people that can sour a family Christmas or perhaps its more pervasive. Sometimes there are deep abusive patterns that flow through the generations, undiagnosed, untended to.
We might label people today: narcissist, sociopath, misogynist.. behind these labels lie deep wounds and relationships based on control and manipulation. All good fuel for a family Christmas.
Healing from Christmas
If Christmas didn’t go well for you this year, it’s possible that you are now feeling emotionally exhausted, triggered and even traumatised. In the dark, cold days of January when we are expected to go back to work and perform, we often don’t have time to process and heal, so our mental health can quickly nosedive.
What can we do?
The first thing is to be gentle with yourself: Christmas is a time of inflated and unrealistic expectations. No one’s life is a happy-ever-after movie. Santa and Christianity are bedtime stories.
Sorry to be blunt. Whilst it’s possible to contact angels and Jesus in the spirit realms, the rest is just, at best, a retelling of ancient stories which have elements of truth within them. Whilst stories are hugely important for our collective psyche, it’s good to put things into context and know that you’ve done your best within a challenging regime dressed up as fun.
Secondly, acknowledge that its winter and try to make space for all that winter invites. It’s time to slow down, hibernate and rest after the active warmer months.
Give yourself space to feel, acknowledge and process why this Christmas didn’t work, perhaps recognising some of the wider issues that were there before, such as unhealthy family dynamics or financial worries.
This can be challenging to do without help so do reach out for support. This could be from friends and loved ones, but it could also be from strangers.
I am reminded of the help I received when I was a teen struggling with bullying. I regularly skipped school and wandered into the Samaritans. There I found people who gave me time, who listened and gave me cake. Strangers who cared.
I also wandered regularly into the woods or to the beach. There I could disappear from others’ eyes, giving my nervous system time to recover from the guilt of skipping school and the shame I felt from experiencing bullying. I spent many hours in these places, feeling very held by the nature beings I was with.
The benefits of shamanic healing are powerful and lasting, should you choose to dive into it. For instance, connecting with a spirit family can offset any negative dynamics with your physical family and help you feel less isolated.
Reclaiming your soul after a soul retrieval helps you to reconnect with your feelings and live in the present, beginning the process of recovery from addiction, dissociation and trauma as you feel more embodied and enlivened.
Exploring family dynamics within ancestral healing helps you to understand the context of your experiences and connect with healthy family members in spirit who can help you to heal and change generational patterns.
Sometimes cutting energetic cords with certain family members is how you can regain your freedom and mental health.
If you would like to get in touch, I offer a free half hour to discuss how shamanic healing might be able to help you. See my booking page for more info or send me an email.
Love Samara